A Long-Ass Pissed-Off Semi-Political Rant

When I first started blogging here, I was faintly political. I know Utah likes to say that everything's political, and I tend to agree with that, particularly re: how we spend our money.

Since corporations really run this country, the ones which run it are determined by how we, as consumers, spend our vapid dollars. Though I'd rather it weren't the case, I do believe this is true. If no one shopped at Wal-Mart, it would go out of business, no? If those who buy groceries were to buy greener, wouldn't the other co.'s switch their practices? If people don't buy cars, won't the automakers who push against green policies go out of business? Crap.

Since Kucinich dropped out of the presidential race (I know, he was barely in it, but it was fun to pretend.), this blog has nearly become apolitical. I don't regret it, though. I think it's rather where it naturally belongs, selfishly and therapeutically speaking.

I tend to think the politics which touch our lives most directly are not those which play out in Washington or Hollywood, but rather in our workplaces, families, blogomospheres (sic), etc. Granted, trickle down politics affect us tremendously, the effect tends to be a bit more delayed than how someone speaks to us in the here and now. Wars cost money, which take away from our domestic resources. State lawmakers legalize certain drugs or partnership contracts, but what we do day in and day out to each other very often ignores these legalities.

I would venture to say that the same goes for isms. Racism, sexism, classism, anti-semitism, homophobia, too are widespread phenomena, that even if illegal, affect us directly on the personal level and more indirectly via the realm of policy. There are so many blogs that go out there and say what's going on in the macro world, that there are not many new ideas I can add to it all. And, neither is there one voice which I can say speak what's true for me on every level. Some come close.

All that, longwindedly, is to say that I'm gonna get a tad political and philosphical. I don't claim I have the authority to do so or that I speak for anyone else, but myself, but do feel the personal need to do so. That is what drives my blogging, honestly.

"I don't want no drama drama." I strive for that in my personal life and fail all the time, but sometimes this here blogging becomes personal, even beyond my usual scope of the innuendo of sexitudity, and drama cannot always be avoided.

For expressing my opinion, I have encountered something in commenting that I categorize as sexism. I do not blame it on the other person involved, as I was willing participant. I commented his post. I have seen his posts and comments for the past year and know what speaking my mind yields, an argument.

While I like to say I loathe avoiding conflict and think people are squeamish that way, I too can be scared of anger and emotions in general and that is a societal tendency that should be undone. Anti-emotionalism? I don't know what it should be called, but it is one of my beefs, in myself and others. I think it is at the core of many isms. As a mother of two sons, I will act like a she-bear to my father-in-law to protect my sons' rights to cry without being chastised. I will defend my daughters' voices when expressing their anger to their teachers, their fathers, even myself (that gets internally tricky, I tell ya) quite fervently, but like all things bodily, I have tended to soften with time and have come to find fighting quite tiresome.

For the sake of functionality, I have curbed my tendency to yell in favor or more productive forms of communication. I am no master by any means, and neither would I want to be, but harnessing my emotions has been one of my greatest challenges. So, it finally went and happened. I got pissed off about how I feel I was treated in these blog parts. I feel as though I am not the only one, and I feel I want to speak my mind here.

This whole thing is centered around a particular issue, but I do think the issue itself is microscopically telling of a more macroscopic issue, be it mine, the other person involved's or even more widespread than that. I don't claim authority there. Alls I know is that for my own therapeutic sake, I have to get a bit political.

I am afraid that this emergency rant will delay our regularly scheduled "Vaginal Episode," but that will be re-scheduled at my earliest convenience.

Good Lard, does anyone else prelude their rants to such lengths? Doubtfully. I am almost tempted to leave this as it's own post and then start meh ranting in another post, but then Robert Downey, Jr.'s juicy mug would be there nonsensically, and that is the one and only crime I am not willing to commit.


Ok, enough of the vaguaries. The other day I saw this post that Kelso's Nuts posted over at the Dis Brimstone. I shared a bit in comments about what I thought of his idea to start a movement whereby straight folks "Come out as gay" in solidarity with the gay community in protest of Obama's choosing Rick Warren to speak at the upcoming inauguration. I think it's a rather clever idea in actuality, but one that I do not wish to participate in for reasons I stated in comments there, and will just post here for transparency (and so I don't have to re-type it all).

Freida of the Bees said...

I took part in a bi/lesbian/questioning support group this past semester and was privileged to be able to have some very safe/ controversial conversations with some women about topics which touch on this. I'm kinda torn. While the mainstreamization of homo/bi/ mixed-race/ whatever couples helps to normalize what was once extremely ostracized, some in the gay community feel that moving homosexuality into the realm of hetero male enjoyment (akin to the lesbianism's being a novelty for men's pleasure) diminishes the struggle of what gays go through, in this case in coming out. As a woman struggling with my sexuality right now. How much bi-ness is lesbianism habitually repressed? I don't know, but am just winging it on this one. After having the hardest time ever telling my mom I'm a (10 years married) lesbian, it feels weird to hear you guys talking about coming out so flippantly.

I'm not saying it's you. It's probably not, but I wanted to say it.

15:20


KELSO'S NUTS said...

FREIDA BEE: Those are rather serious accusations you're covering with a veil, my friend. I stand by my meaning and integrity and every word I've written.

Normally, if someone who has never acknowledged my existence, let alone left a cheerful hello on my posts, nor even a response to a comment on your post and then comes at me on my spot with attitude, they get it 100x back. I ENJOY criticism. I don't tolerate bad manners.

You're close to Fred, though and that's good enough for me to let it go and if you want to discuss this further we'll do it over the phone and I'll be happy to explain everything and give you all my "bona fides". I make this offer out of love and respect for Fred.

I'm happy to make a fresh start with you and let you know where I come from and why this might be very important to me. Trust me, I can match you sob story for sob story in all aspects of life. I assume nobody's particularly interested in my sob stories and I don't like to use the confessional format in my expository prose.

Trust me, if you're questioning how you best enjoy what to do with your body, I'm not your enemy. I'm not the enemy of anyone who's had that experience. Defensive, however, isn't my style. I got nothing to apologize for. If you feel a need to stop me from writing something, please take it up with Diane or Cavalor. I will abide by however they decide with a smile on my face and not a single hard feeling.

And please don't take the directness of my response for anger because I'm not angry. I will be happy to explain myself OVER THE TELEPHONE AT MY EXPENSE whenever you like if I have a decent block of time to do so.

Cheers,

K

16:51

Freida of the Bees said...

Well, I merely wished to discuss this in light of what were some enlightening opinions from lesbians who even felt cheapened to have bi's included in their more exclusive (and less accepted, presumably) sexuality class. I disagreed, but one woman expressed a strong discomfort with the notion that one's sexuality was as fluid as (in the case of our discussion) the media sometimes portrays.

I understand that whites necessarily had to march for civil rights and do not presume to know any one of your sexual preferences. With no veil intended, I sought to point out the way this post made me feel. I feel no such need to take matters up with anyone else. I spoke as I wished directly as are you welcome to.

I like to think that no one goes around thinking I have issues more than me, though you are welcome to think as much.

Kelso, are you saying I have never acknowledged your existence or commented your posts prior.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to come here as often as in the past and will take this opportunity to express a few of the whys. I mentioned that the sidebar and the text overlap some months ago on my mac and they still do, which makes some posts (the lengthier) difficult to read. I am on a pc at work, but do not feel visiting nsfw sites in my best interests. Oh, and with school, I haven't been online quite as much, but I assure you I am quite fond of this Hellac realm.

Kelso, I don't need references to read or skip over posts as I choose. I'm not so fond of reading about sports, and don't have time to read every good thing written, but generally appreciate your thoughtful posts.

17:22

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Freida: I'm sorry if my posts gave you offense. It certainly was not my intention. This particular issue of the temerity of Barack Obama and Rick Warren hit me in a very bad way for all sorts of reasons which I will happily share with you over the telephone.

I'd prefer to set the collected injustices aside and just be friends.

I grew up in Lower Manhattan in the 1960s and 1970s and from say age 13on I hung out with a fair share of lesbians and I have to confess I never discussed these complicated shadings of more bi or more whatever with any of them. It was more like whether we had enough money combined to buy a deli sandwich and a 16 oz Yoo-hoo to share. Like normal friends, you know?

I appreciate your nice words about my posts. That was kind of you. I wasn't asking that you should read my posts. I don't read any of those group fiction things because I probably feel about them as you do about sports. I wouldn't have cared about any of this baloney had you not come at me strong as you did. I would have preferred us to have had some friendly interaction before getting into personal business like this. That way you would have known me a little better and would not have assumed certain elements about me. I don't MARCH. I don't claim to speak for you. Or for anyone else. I feel no obligation to anyone outside those people with whom I have an ongoing relationship of some kind.

Should you desire to discuss something private, I'll do it with you over the phone or on an instant messaging client.

Be well.

-K

18:26

Freida of the Bees said...

Kelso- You are not alone on that list, and I was referring to the idea in general. You know, for over a year, you and I have commented the same posts, I commented over at your old site just before you came over here and you and I have quite personally cross-responded here in comments to Fred Ricky's (he) posts. I don't feel the need to talk to you on the phone or leave precursory comments before I express my opinion re: a post of yours. If you'd rather I didn't, this is your blog and you can do what you wish with my comments.

I non-apologetically questioned the sensitivity of heteros coming out in solidarity with queers. I don't claim to have the market on sensitivity cornered. In fact, I'd venture to guess I'm quite offensive to many. And, I apologize if I brought my own personal issues here and dumped them disrespectfully, but I do feel that what is meant to be a sympathetic gesture can only be done with an accompanying assumption of male privilege. This is a grudge I have against sexism in general, not you and does not make my impression accurate (if there were such a thing).

I do not speak for all queers. In fact, I feel marginalized from most of the queer community and did even when I was actively dating women after I had kids, but that's quite likely my own doing and to be remedied elsewhere.

Though, I'd prefer to avoid troll status on any blog I am going to say what I think when I wish to. I'm not quite sure why or how I have offended you so much in this, but I do appreciate your candidness.

I think we're good. We're not going to agree on all things political, cultural. Very few people do.

See you around, Freida

19:21

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Freida:

We're cool. I took the middle position and abandoned the project but deleted no words. I took a guess that the sexist/homophobic bogeyman in your neck of the woods are a lot worse than me! I only know big city life. Soliidarity in big cities is based upon friendships which are based upon common interests, hobbies, etc. It's an organic thing and if you lived in New York or London or Madrid or Moscow you'd understand how it works and why it works. I understand just how difficult it must be to be a lesbian outside of a major metropolis and how you HAVE to take sides.

Because I have such respect for Fred and because you seem sincere, I took you seriously but didn't respond as I might have. For example, I see White Gentile people from the interior of the USA as having power that I lack. Rick Warren and anybody male or female who shares that characteristic to me is dangerous, because I've seen the damage that ethnic cohort is capable of doing with a smile on their faces. They hate me for who I am and I got the legal bills to prove it. Nobody has the market cornered on this shit. You'd be shocked to know that I think of you like I think of Sue Myrick or Bull Connor, but deep inside my DNA, I do. That's the way I was taught to think at home and it was actually well reinforced by Latino NYC and queer NYC as well. Just the way you see me as part of a patriarchy oppressing you. But we're friends (or should be anyway). We should have been past all this by now. What the hell, now we are!

And my closing out of the project and our exchange of letters may also provoke some interesting exchanges.

20:40

KELSO'S NUTS said...

You may comment on my post any time you care to, by the way. I encourage it.

20:47

Freida of the Bees said...

You know, Kelso, it may be that the more we say about this, the more we'll have to say about this, but I do want to clarify that live in Austin, in Travis county, the only county in Texas, I believe, which voted against the gay marriage ban Proposition 2 in 2005. I am in a liberal bastion of the south, so I feel no pressure here not to be whomever I feel I am. I don't.

I just thought of an analogy to the solidarity thing (which I do not encourage you to abandon unless you wish to abandon it).

People in unions have made pacts to stand up for their rights in solidarity. If the union goes on strike, all stand up and are affected equally. Some cross the picket line.

Does someone who reaps the benefits (or can- myself included) of the legal privilege granted to hetero couples, health care benefits, tax whatevers really stand in solidarity with gays in the gay marriage fight if they are not willing to deny the rights they have by virtue of their being on the fundie. theocratic side of this mess?

Heteros may claim to come out, but are they saying we are willing to be denied the benefits gays are denied in solidarity?

It's interesting, but I have not thought of any of this to such an extent before now. I, personally, think the best protest in solidarity with gay folk that hetero couples could make would be to drop out of the legal marriage game themselves. If fundies think gays threaten marriage, I think it is non-gays who should say, "If that's what your marriage is, then I want no part."

That is what I do w/ my partner of 10 years, yet, we still are able by law to file taxes together, to both be on our children's birth certificates, etc. These are privileges we receive even without seemingly requesting them, by virtue of being male and female. these are rights gay couples do not have.

We are on the same side of the gay issue and I am confused about whether I am bi or les, but I know from others I have talked to that the legal rights one forfeits in coming out as gay and living with a partner of the same sex goes further into the realm of discrimination in society.

You said:You'd be shocked to know that I think of you like I think of Sue Myrick or Bull Connor, but deep inside my DNA, I do.

I presume you mean that you were brought up with discrimination that is nearly impossible to undo due to its being deeply ingrained rather than that I deserve to be thought of amongst mentioned company. (I hope). And, there I admit that most of the discrimination I face or fear facing comes from within and those in my family who think me straight, my parents, my extended family, my in-laws. I also recognize that it is a cowardly way to live being near the age of 40. But, I did grow up in Arkansas and never even heard of people being gay- though I had kissed girls early on, not realizing it was even a lifestyle choice for me- until I moved to Austin to go to college. I just love Austin, and the people of Austin, and really wanted to say that I am in a very tolerant community- as I feel I am in the blogomosphere and that is not where this issue lies within me.

But, I understand what you are saying because I do see you, even just being a male a few years older than me, as having a "power-over" me societally and that is not really right.

Sadly, I feel that way about my partner, my father and I do my darnedest to teach my sons to express their feelings and not be oppressed themselves (as males are) to not show their emotions. "Isms" are two sides of a coin and I don't think people oppress unless they are oppressed or taught to oppress, naturally. But, even, that is a little more optimistic than is likely true.

I can't say we're done, but I'll stop for now. I get tired of bickering, but I Vygotsky-esquely accidentally learnt a thing or two in writing this, so I'll forgo thinking it purely masturbatory on my part.

G'day, sir.

21:48

Freida of the Bees said...

Oh. BTW- wanted to say, upon re-reading the red parts there, that over at FluffPo, DCup's and my new blog, we had a person come over and complain. I expected it to be a fundie who would first to protest the quite heinous characters behind the whole deal (besides the reclamation of one's virginity. I'm all for that daily), but no. It was a liberal fella from California. I'm not going to stop the blog, the nature of it, or apologize there, because I know my intent. It's to be half-offensive, half-humorous.

Though I have expressed my opinions re: the quite creative activist effort you came up with, I want you to know that you do me no favors to shut it down on my behalf. Warren only "wins" as you say, if you feel that way, if you let him.

23:10

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Freida:

Thanks for continuing the discussion. I like the way you write. I like the way you think. I like the way you reason. In my experience, often the great friendships begin with a small misunderstanding between two people who are like-minded and find the great extent to which they respect one another.

This is EXACTLY how DT and I got to be close. We had a tiny misunderstanding up Fairlane's over an issue very similar to this one and we got past it quickly and discovered a mutual love of boxing and that was it. Her suspicion of me as "the man" melted away. She saw my compassion and strength. My suspicion of her as humorless melted away. I saw her amazing sense of humor and strength. This goes back to my original point. Once you see someone as a multi-faceted person like you and not a member of a category, prejudice goes away.

You understood my point about Sue Myrick and Bull Connor exactly. Obviously, I think if the barricades went up we'd be on the same side! My question is: can you see past my gender to understand that about me?You haven't read my posts in detail so you don't know my life experience. It's easy to ASSUME anything. I could just as easily place you into the same societal box as the assistant US Attorneys from Liberty Baptist Law School who made my life in the US a living hell and broke my family apart because of your ancestry, geography and color. That would be silly, though.

Isn't it equally silly to see malign intent at worst, callousness at best, in who I am? I could give you a lecture in how no matter how liberal your congressional district is maybe it's best for certain arcane reasons for you for example NOT to volunteer at a food bank for Central American immigrants in your home town, that you're not really HELPING anything by doing that and quite possibly you're enabling a very bad situation. I could tell you that if you really want to help, you'd be focusing on criminal justice reform and the Legal Aid Society is a more efficient place for your efforts. Or I could demonstrate 1000 ways in which you yourself are aiding the White patriarchy which keeps Black and Latinos down. I'd be "correct" but it wouldn't mean anything. I'm 47 and I live in Panama. What is the point in reliving cross-cultural arguments I had when I first left the city to go college 30 years ago? And despite having some of the edges sanded off by prep school, I was still very street and very feral then. And I was angry and immature. It would drive me beserk to be lectured to by suburban parlour Marxists and sexually-experimenting goyim about being part of the "patriarchy." I wished I could have shown them what it was like in the neighborhood. My father was ACP when they broke heads. I HUNG with neighborhood adolescents long OUT OF THE CLOSET who had the same suspicions and fears and anger about "shit kickers" and "rednecks" that I did. I'll cite you chapter and verse about how blurred the lines get between politics, crime, prejudice and survival. But I already wrote that I REALLY don't like to use the "confessional" format here. In my own way, I like to hew to a more traditional opinion-in-prose structure.

I've heard the "topping from below" line of political debate 1000x before and it ipso facto doesn't play with me.You know what this entire blog is about. Why would I be trusted with this sacred space if I were some kind of patriarchal quisling, oiste?

We've established that we're both smart. Let's now be friends. There sure is a lot of MUSIC for starters which we both like.

Adelante!

Un abrazo de mi parte,

K

03:09

KELSO'S NUTS said...

F-O-T-B:

O'Tim's letter to me wanting to join up having read the entire polemic inspired me to keep it going.

On thing's for sure. I may disagree with you, but I'll never censor you. So, THE NEXT TIME something I write hits you wrong, PLEASE don't hesistate to comment.

Were it that I could believe that..., fine.

It is what Kelso has written since then that makes me feel quite angy and disrespected. I cannot feel for a second that leaving comments there on a post of his is emotionally safe for me in the slightest.

The sad thing is that this form of sexism or really anti-emotionalism is so subtle and ingrained that it is often not recognized. I do not claim to never be a participant in it. Maybe, what I am doing here is calling myself out as a participant as well, but I felt the need to do so.

Kelso has written two posts since referring to my comments, the following most directly:

Under El Espiritu De La Escalera- translates to something like, "In the Spirit of the Stairs (or Escalation)"

"Freida Of The Bees and AnitaXanax Now remain none too pleased that as a SWM I am part of the patriarchy and have no business playing at "outing myself" for a cause, considering that I can always rejoin the patriarchy at any time. My belief about these things is that you take your friends where you can get them. Barack Obama sure does."

There's quite a bit more there that you can go read for yourselves.

He had previously stated that only a few Mock, Paper, Scissors readers (aka Scissorheads) had the courage to "Come Out," saying,

"no other MPS regular had the guts to do it."

What a deeply arrogant thing to say.

He also says in reference to himself in contrast to Anita and I,

"So, in this situation, aren't I the purer 'victim' than two White Gentile Americans?"

He then says,

"(2) But, if there are purists who like the idea but don't like that SWMs feel they have a right to do this. I'm going to offer another option (We Jews are good at selling things, you know....); I can divide the list into SWMs in support of the movement and a parallel list of "bona fide" members of the LGBTQ community. Then, I'll redo the list into Black/White pairings, and Jew/Gentile pairing since these seem to be the identity-breakpoints in the whole polemic."

I never said he didn't have the right to do that. What a martyred thing to say. After his calling the whole thing off I, as I wrote in his comments, I encouraged him to do what he thinks right. What bugs me is that I even care at this point, that I feel maligned.

I recently had the pleasure of watching Tropic Thunder and to anyone who has seen it, I refer to the scene in which Robert Downey, Jr. (as a white actor who doesn't leave character in his playing a black character) is questioning Ben Stiller's use of the words "You People" (think McCain's "That One") and RDjr gives his hilariously self-moving speech of his and Brandon Jackson's struggle as black men, which is actually just the words from the theme song to The Jefferson's, to Jackson's disgust. That felt the same as non-gay people "Coming Out"... to me.

But, others are, of course, free to hold a different opinion than me on the matter.

What I do assert here is the idea that to receive this sort of treatment- having a post written speaking of me so derogatorily- after leaving the above comments, is what I refer to as sexism, in that I believe it is a (perhaps unconscious) tactic to get me to keep my opinions to myself.

A punishment, as it were.