Tha Lord Works in 'Sterious Ways

Aw shit, what a day! Ain't no one gonna believe tha day ah jes' had! It started off so good-like. Ah gots ma'bortion in tha mornin' an it weren't so bad as tha last one. Ah was feelin' kinda bad 'bout it seein' as Reverend Dean said it were a sin an was so 'cited he even offeredt to help me get a'partment in Dallas, so's ah could get the best medical treatment anywheres. Fred Rick is so classy; he offeredt ta help me move ta Houston fer thar even better care he says where he travels an could stay with me on weekends. Ah gots tha best men in ma life!

Mamma said Carl Wayne, Jr. an Ray Jean couldn't stay with her though an ah jes' couldn't leave Carl Wayne an Avery Ron though, an ah was to afreared ta tell Carl Waryne 'bout it, else he was gonna wanta do one a them petrified tests again an ah weren't so sure ah was gonna get as lucky this time as ah were't with Avery Ron. Them's tha facts, but, in tha end ah hadta listen to ma heart and wouldn't ya know it; this was tha weeks Hooters finally calledt me back. Hot damn, ah couldn't believe it. Ah's been wantin' ta work there e'ver since Dalisa toldt me 'bout tha one she works et in Goeogia.

In ma interview ma new boss (Yes, they hiredt me!) Bobby said ma hooters felt fine fer tha job, but that 'cause a it's a health hazard, ah cain't have no bun in tha oven fer tha job. Well, tha 'cided it fer me an' today were ma first day a unpaid trainin'. Next week they says they'll even pay me fer trainin', but after t'day, ah knows ah gots ma hooters in tha door. Ah savedt tha town from Zombie Jesus on ma first day on tha job an' Bobby was thankin' me fer bringin' tha polices business ta our location when they's been frequentin' them stuck-up downtown bitches fer years. He says tha police is they's best customers an' ah didt a good thing today, but ah's feelin' a little bad fer gettin' Zombie Jesus 'rested.

T'day ah came in fer ma day a learnin' on ta roll tha silverwares an Kelsey was showin' me some a she's Hooter-tip tricks when all's of a sudden in walks this homeless dude in he's dress. He lookedt dirty an he had blood all over he's feet, so's ah offeredt him some water and a rag ta wash his feet, when alls of a sudden and 'jes fer a secon' he lit up all holy-like. Ah knowdt immediately that this was Jesus, but we's customers 'jes started screamin', "It's a ZOMBIE!" Ah told 'em they weren't no sech thing as no zombies, that this were our Lord an' Savior Jesus Christ, but they was freakin' out anyway.

Ah do hafta 'mit Jesus weren't lookin' goodt. He's hair were a mess an' ah askedt him iffin' he wanted ta use we's brushes and clean hisself up a little. Bobby were on a business trip o'ver at tha other store an' Kelsey was tha boss an' we's customers done run out tha door, so we offeredt he's some hotwings an' onion rings an' ta help him get he'self cleanedt up in we's restaurant real quicklike.

He said he weren't gonna take off he's nasty robe, an he wanted a pitcher. We movedt him back to the breakroom, jes' in case some customers or Bobby can in. A few of tha other womens came in we was havin' we'selfs more fun than a raccoon on a corncob an' was dealin' with tha lunch rush right fine, when alls of a sudden Jesus come outta tha back room wit' a shotgun in he's hand! Ah yelledt, "Jesus Christ, put down tha' shotgun!" An' he said he won't. He said it weren't no fair we's customers tha' didn't know nothin' about no lovin' was livin' it up all sweet like when he been livin' all pious-like and he's Daddy done let him get killedt and now he gotta live like a outcast in socitey. He was sick of it an ah thought he was about ta go all postal. Ah walked o'er ta hims with a beer an askedt if ah couldt hold he's sweet gun fer a second. He handedt me tha gun and drank he's beer. When he were done and was ready fer me t'give tha gun back, ah toldt him, "No!" Tha's when Bobby walked in tha door an' Jesus pulledt out he's pistol. 'Fore ah know what was happenin', ah done shot Jesus.

He lookedt at me all startled-like, but then shot out we's pretty chandelier. Ah shot him again an again an again, but he didn't ne'er fall down or nothin'. Bobby called them SWAT police an' they came out an took Jesus away. He's pistol didn't have no more bullets an' he weren't listenin' to no reason. Seems ta me tha' Jeus were a zombie a'ter all. Ain't no one no how tha' can get shot tha' many times an not e'ven fall down, not e'en Jesus hisself.

Kelsey an me toldt tha polices what happenedt and showt tha' fellas a downright Hootin' time; they e'en let we's hold they's big guns, sumpin' ah can ne'er get 'nough of. Ah likedt me tha' silver fox an' he e'en promised ta be back t'morra fer they's lunch break. He toldt us ta put some extra barbecue sauce on we's hotwings an' be ready fer some fun. Tha Lord works in 'sterious ways.

This is an extremely residual, tangential post in tha Blog against Theocracy . I 'jes couldn't get left offa tha Jesus train started by Dr. Zaius, Monkeystud, My Commander, Sir Splotch, and RomiT tha Jesusfreak.